Hey Teagues: An Ustream Event from New Zealand
Stacey Teague comes from a land far, far away: New Zealand. New Zealand is basically Australia’s next door neighbor. They make Australia feel less lonely. Really I’m not sure what goes on in New Zealand. I think unbelievably quirky things go on there. People appear to all wear hats in New Zealand and they speak in some ultra-endearing accent. At some point I’ll move there and open a hat store, instantly becoming a multi-millionaire.
By having this ustream I got to see the wild beauty of New Zealand. Words cannot describe the beauty of this strange and foreign land. Nor would I want to. The best way to experience New Zealand is have some random people read poetry to you via ustream. Direct flights to New Zealand come out of San Francisco and Los Angeles. Ustream lets you save a couple thousand dollars so it’s definitely a cost-effective bet.
Alice May Connolly stared cutely at the chat room. Using every cute technique up her sleeve I felt my sloth-heart beat steadily, like “Whoa, I wish she was a sloth”. “Sex” by Amar got read. The poem discussed what his mother would think of his seduction technique. Since he generally was unsuccessful, she probably wouldn’t care. In the off chance he was successful, she’d be upset but he wouldn’t care since he got to “stick it in” as he put it.
Blake West’s “Almost August” got read by James Duncan. Keeping up with the beanie wearing habit his head housed one of those almost-a-hat devices. He began his reading slowly. The poem focused on the night sky. It mentioned pies, a specific joy of mine. Unfortunately something horrible happens to the pies. What happens? Well I refuse to spoil the life-changing ending. Let’s just say it’s no “Weebl and Bob”.
“Hands like Mirrors” a Stacey Teague/Susie Anderson production came up. They showed us its “innards” also known as its ‘contents’ in America. I guess I learned a little about New Zealand’s idioms. “Come Winter” received attention from Susie Anderson. She read with an Australian accent, considerably different than the New Zealand accent. Just kidding, I can’t tell the difference.
“Web Jet” got read by Jackson Nieuwland. It was an email from a great, reputable airline company. Jackson would be a fool not to take them up on this fantastic offer. At the end of reading his emails in Gmail, he uttered his trademarked phrases “Everything is fantastic” probably the most influential phrase to hit Facebook ever. Mark Zuckerberg owes Jackson Nieuwland roughly 98 million dollars for the phrase.
Ben Rosamond, a complete unknown, came up next. He began to settle down, ready to read. “Hand Job” explained the difficultly of receiving a hand job. At first the protagonist expressed anger at not getting a blowjob. Then, thinking about it, he felt it was ‘pretty sweet’ that he had gotten ‘gateway sex’. For a lot of people hand jobs are merely the ‘first step’ towards discovering their true selves.
Creed came up. Their music is poetry. Alice May Connolly read their lyrics. Never before had I been moved by Creed. I mean that. For countless millions of Americans, Creed represents the worst of Christian rock. Others disagree, deeming it to be music’s greatest triumph. Blake West came up with “One big what the fuck”. Hearing the accent on ‘machetes’ made me understand how rare machete violence is in New Zealand. Most likely there are more adorable animals that will bite your face off without hesitation.
We explored the media’s obsession with poetry. All of them made us pay attention to the visual poem “Rhino Birth” a poem by Stacey Teague. It was a troublesome, deeply surreal poem. To explain it would ruin its impact. Suffice it to say that it is the wildest thing you’ll ever see a rhino do.
“Christmas Scene # 2” got read by Stacey Teague. Ras Mashramani (a favorite) wrote this one. I’m a fan of her work. Hopefully she’ll be reading some of her stuff from her blog or from “Down” this summer. That would be, in the words of Jackson Nieuwland, fantastic. Though I’m aware this is quite an unusual summer for everybody, and she (alongside Carolyn DeCarlo) has received a great deal of attention for that project.
James Duncan’s face appeared out of the digital ether. “Don’t Die Alone” by Michael Inscoe received its ‘fair shake’. I liked James’ delivery. Each word came out deliberately. Inscoe’s work is sweet and caring. For me his work elicited a strong emotional response.
Susie and Stacey came together. In a single scene I nearly overdosed on cuteness. “Hands like Mirrors” their complied collection of various poets’ work, came up once again. Reading with purpose Susie read Fiona Clark’s work. One person, a man from Wisconsin named Stephen Tully Dierks, commented on how much he enjoyed Susie’s work. Personally I think Stephen Tully Dierks does the internet a great service through his ongoing project “Pop Serial”.
“This is a New Poem” was read by James Duncan. Most of the poem dealt with the online poetry scene. The entire poem mentioned not only the figures but their domesticated animals, specifically Stacey Teague’s cat. Finally it became massive taking up the entire universe back down to someone passing by his house on her bike.
“Yellow” by Coldplay played loudly. Alice explained how she played the drums to Coldplay songs. Coldplay had reached New Zealand’s shores many weeks ago. We moved away from the poetry to learn about them as individuals. In New Zealand people feel a greater range of emotions than those in other countries. They have created things called “hongis” which are two noses touching, very similar to “Eskimo Kisses”. New Zealanders consider this a sign of great respect. Hongi prepares New Zealanders for a life of cuteness.
Hank Barstow sent “Boredom Contra Mantra” to Jackson Nieuwland. Susie and Stacey read this poem. The two valiantly tried to read it without giggling. Ultimately the two of them reading something without giggling was a futile act. “Boredom Contra Mantra” helped us learn how to believe in ourselves and to shoot for the stars.
Finally it ended in a slow-moving dance party. All of them rapped in a New Zealand accent. They busted moves like a sloth. Yeah, they moved that slowly. Each one hongied the other to Coldplay. It was charming. As each one left they made a small heart with their hands and bid us adieu. Easily this set the standard for adorability.
PS: Jackson Nieuwland showed up on this stream. Like usual, he was excellent. However, he made public what countless Facebook users had feared: he deleted his Facebook account. Make sure to join “Bring Jackson Nieuwland back to Facebook” and let him know you miss him.