sick and tired of these fake pants telling me how to live my life. They are
awful. For years I have tried to live some kind of pants-less life. Nobody
supported me. Out in the cold with my legs a-quivering I had to grow leg hair
to support myself. Some days I look down at my thick, lush leg hair and thank
the goodness of the world that I survived the fake pants life.
put their pants on one leg at a time. They know the world the pants wearing
portion of it. Life with pants, Real Pants, is completely worth it. Every day
people try to figure out if the day feels like a pants day or not. Some parts
of the world near the equator understand that maybe pants aren’t the best idea
given the extreme heat brought on by proximity to the sun. Yet they too want Real
Pants just like everybody else does.
hours are all that separates the fake pants from the Real Pants. The fake pants
are getting ready, cashing out their 401Ks, Roth IRAs, planning on retiring
down to Florida. Fake pants know they need to get to Florida because they are
going to die. That is the only reason anybody goes to Florida: to die. Whoever
says otherwise is a complete and total liar. Florida has no economy to speak
of, no pants manufacturers, only a couple of orange juice producers and some
sunlight. One day the world is going to catch up with Florida and truly make it
realize what a sad sorry state that is.
course Florida would love to take on the fake pants, to give them a home. Real
Pants do not move to Florida. Real Pants move to real places, places like
Baltimore, the king of the Washington, D.C. Metro area. Sure politicians love
Washington but Baltimore is where people have cheap dirty fun. The Real Pants
of the world know this and flock to games in Baltimore in the hopes to do
plenty of generally frowned upon things without any judgment.
presence of Real Pants gets every party started. Party planners make people
think, wrongly, that parties are started with party people. That is such a
pathetic worthless lie. What really starts a party is the joy Real Pants bring.
Real Pants understand literature. Real Pants are well-read, well-spoken, and
well-groomed. Life with Real Pants begins in mere hours.