Review of my kids’ Twitter Accounts
of Beach Sloth may be aware of my kids’ twitter accounts. They are pathetic
things. My kids can’t tweet a good tweet. I show them every day how to
construct the funny. ‘Add a little flarf here, a dash of stupid there’ to
engage them. Even Dora the Explorer’s twitter account fails to excite them.
Where do I go from here? I love my kids but their twitter accounts are
worthless. We live in the 21st century. Your online persona gives
you worth, more worth than mere money. As I see my children work in the beet
fields, beating up beets, I worry. Can they see what I do? Of a future where
people are judged by the content in their blog? If they can’t even compose a
good 140 characters I worry for their future.
are some of their tweets. I include descriptions of each one of them in hopes
that others may learn from their many, many twitter mistakes.
is my youngest so I’ll cut her some slack. At only four years old she’s a
really good worker on my beet farm. Beets are her life. Right now I have
started her on a strict regimen of the Beach Boys and Panda Bear to help her
find her childlike wonder. Animal Collective is next as they are a tad darker.
Her twitter persona is that of a five year old girl who loves empty cardboard
boxes. Here are some of her more memorable tweets:
I just found a box. Oh boy!
Wonder if I’ll ever have enough money to buy an
If a tree falls and no one is around to hear it,
does someone later turn it into a box
Has anybody ever crossed the ocean in a giant
What did people store things in before they had
Wish I was a small as a toaster so I could fit
in that box. That’s a nice box
to be six soon. Right now he is really big into action cartoons. They absorb
his fragile eggshell mind. For him I’ve started him on early David Bowie,
before he got all coked out in the 80s. Bowie seems to be having quite an
influence on him. Tyler loves James Chance and the Contortions and a lot of No
Wave bands, so I have high hopes for his twitter. Unfortunately his dancing to
James Chance takes away from his beet picking. His twitter is pretty good though. There is no unity but some of these are truly ‘eye-opening’.
Are the Power Rangers powered by diesel, gas, or
I don’t get this ‘Boondocks’ song ‘Stomp him in
the nuts’. Is this about almonds or walnuts?
Why does 2 + 2 equal 4?
‘Go Dog Go’ is really preoccupied with movement.
Does anybody really benefit from knowing where
Waldo is? (Note: this tweet is his best so far, combing existential questioning
with our own preoccupation with discovery)
Do people fart in heaven or has gas been
Right now he’s getting into Aphex Twin, LFO, and other Warp Records acts. He
finds Tortoise to be therapeutic. Most of his tweets involve what he ate today.
What he tells me is he is building a ‘food persona’ so people send him free
food. Not sure if this is going to pan out but he at least grasps the idea one
must create a persona.Unfortunately his twitter is absolutely horrible, especially considering his age.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. You’ll fall and
badly hurt yourself.
‘Orange you glad I ate you’ the last words my
orange heard before I destroyed him
Uh, I don’t understand homework. My homework is
picking crops outside.
How did corn end up starting a rock band?
Red Hot Chili Peppers would help to spice up my thin gruel
into my twitter universe. Let me know if you want to follow my kids. Not sure
how I feel about that. I still feel my kids need guidance with twitter. Maybe
strangers will help them become better at their personas. Time will tell. Hope
the internet can help me raise my children. Despite their failings, I love my children. I take care of them every day and read them alt lit before they go to bed. They love me and I love them. Online personas are only one part of their life. When it comes to giving hugs nobody can outdo my kids.