The Alt Lit Gossip Awards ‘The ALTIES’
stoked. December 28th, 2011 changed my life. What changed? I’d say
everything. First, I got published by Thought Catalog under yet another
pseudonym, Erik Baker. That tickled me all shades of pink, from the lightest of
pinks to the darkest of pinks. Or perhaps, just perhaps that is my real name. I
felt overwhelmingly happy about seeing another fictional name of mine up on the
site. As a way of giving thanks, I shall get upset at the most recent defiler
of Thought Catalog, one ‘Gawker’.
pre-gamed before the ALTIES. Tiny chat was packed with the altest of the alts.
All of them were there. The UK, Texas, California, Ohio, some other places,
they all brought heart to the pre-game. Unfortunately we were unable to tailgate
for the event. Maybe at some point in the future we can all live together
virtually. Or at least transmit limited quantities of alcohol virtually. I hope
scientists are working around the clock on that.
blogs were readying themselves for ‘live-blogging’. Banango, the literary blog
headed by the alt lit trinity, prepared for the sweet boosting power. Some
other blogs readied themselves, but I haven’t guest posted for them, so I’m not
going to mention them. We strapped ourselves in and got shot into orbit around
the Earth. How would we know that we’d be above the Earth, hearing Steve from
space? I thought in space, no one could hear you scream. Guess Roggenbuck has
enough volume to cut through space’s emptiness, to touch my heart.
Roggenbuck won the ‘most gayest’ award. Everyone nominated him. Steve cried for
only a brief period of time, just for a couple of minutes. After Steve won he
jerked his body around for a while in a style reminiscent of ‘dancing’. Grace
Marston won for the best alt lit gossiper. Horse_ebooks, the best tweeter of
2011, tweeted about the winning the award, tweeting ‘Learn how to tame your
Alt Lit Short Story – Training by Sam Pink. Sam Pink is one of the strongest
members of the alt lit community. Had he not won, he might have beaten us up. I
am glad he won. I don’t want to be hunted down by some alt lit strongman.
Alt Lit Poem – Pigs by Darby Larsen. This is a crazy, insane-type poem. It
takes a strong writer to write an entire thing about pigs. Pigs usually get bad
press, so I’m happy for Darby. He earned it. Steve read it for a really long
period of time. Read it here.
Alt Lit Online Mag – Lies/Isle. It flashes before my eyes. I feel nothing but
the utmost happiness about this selection.
Alt Lit Journal Mag – Pop Serial. I heart pop serial. I eat pop serial with
milk every morning. Stephen Tully Dierks is also referred to as the ‘babe’ of
the alt lit gossip circle.
Debut Novel – Today and Tomorrow by Ofelia Hunt. Ofelia Hunt’s book is pretty
damn balls-to the wall. Of course I mean that as a compliment.
Prom King and Queen – Richard Chiem and Frances Dinger won. I am pretty damn
happy. They are the cutest alt lit couple ever. They’ve hosted ustreams before,
Alt Lit Chapbook – There was a lot of competition. Man, there was a ton of
competition. “I don’t respect Female Expression” won. I’m proud of Frank
Beach Sloth is a bot, then I’m blown away by computer technology. – Steve
Roggenbuck. This was the best quote of the night, easily.
Alt Lit Moment – Tao Lin marries Megan Boyle. I feel pretty happy about this
one. I wrote about their relationship. I want to say I was the first on their
‘loving scene’ but that’s not true. I think they beat me to blogging about
their own wedding.
Alt Lit Writer (Male) – Steve Roggenbuck won. How much of a boost was this? I
can’t express it. What hasn’t Steve Roggenbuck done? Duke hosted him; he toured
around the Northeast, met his fans, boosted about a billion internet-based
people, and generally has a grand old time of maintaining a great internet
Alt Lit Writer (Female) – Megan Boyle won. She earned this award. I am proud of
her. Now that she has won, I shall introduce myself next time I see her read.
Plus, she offered me a ‘beverage of my choice’ next time we meet. I’d be a fool
to pass that up.
New Lit Zine – Shallow. This is Zachary Whalen’s newest blog. Finally Canada
has a literary mastermind, besides all those other literary masterminds, like
the one I met in Bushwick, or the one who created this award ceremony in
general (one Frank Hinton).
Jonathan Safran Foer Franzen Lifetime Achievement Award – Dennis Cooper won.
His blog sucks you in, in the best way possible.
Writer of the Year (Female) – XTX won. She is the winner. She deserves it. I
like her writing. It talks about pounding. Pounding is important in literature.
Writer of the Year (Male) – Blake Butler won. Usually he gives me nightmares,
but today he achieved his goal. Steve Roggenbuck will visit Blake Butler to
check on his peen for peen check #2012
Debut Novel – ‘There is No Year’ by Blake Butler. His book got reviewed in the
New York Times, so that’s unsurprising. He seems chill.
to tell you but this guy is a jerk’ – some guy’s mom. The guy’s mom hated on
Steve Roggenbuck. When I next meet Steve I’ll hug him to make him happy. It is
a shame that mothers don’t approve of Steve Roggenbuck, yet have no problem
giving free advertising to KIX cereal. That sounds like bullshit to me.
introduced me in the kindest way possible. Everyone began to write in caps
lock. For a moment, Steve wanted to sit down. But when anyone reads off a
series of amazing winners, there is no way they can just ‘sit down’. You got to
get up off the floor. Get off that chair. Shout it from the rooftops, from the
internet cafes, from the apartment blocks, from the computer library, and from
your car. Wherever you are you must shout it, you must celebrate our great
literary tradition of flarfing.
Dog Mom Litjournal – Best Online Squatter Award
are many online squatters who make the world a better place, but Happy Dog Mom,
for camping out in a fictional HTML Giant link, win my heart. Their extreme
anonymity and collective presence makes me like them. I think there are a few
people responsible but I have little evidence.
Lamb – Best Named after an animal award
question is: why not nominate yourself? I am an animal, but a humble one. I
have this whole ceremony named after me anyway.
Fallingstar – Best use of shooting star imagery
she emits positive energy throughout the internet.
Higgs – Best person confused for being Beach Sloth
identity on a regular basis, asking about all sorts of people, but this happens
to be the most interesting person.
Redden – Best person to overcome arrest in chapbook publication
being ‘too alt’. Some parts of the United States have not recognized the
importance of being alt. I hope all my alt brothers, sisters, and anonymous
Boyle – Best fo’ sho’
Gannon – Best Syllabus
Seidlinger – Best portrayal of an online presence
“Oh fuck, this book is about me and my online presence.” Still though, it
rocks. You should probably buy it.
Carter – Best use of a potato salad
– Best anonymous online presence
Glittery – Best use of neon and glitter
quite the same way, or in any way.
Bushnell – Best use of physical violence at a reading
During the performance, a member of the audience got rowdy, asking Mike to be
quiet. Instead, Mike hit him with a cupcake holder container, an aluminum pan.
Films – Best use of reality
them. MDMA Films will be seen as some sort of ‘artistic triumph’.
Nieuwland – Fantastic Award, Great Job
Facebook can barely handle him.
glad Alt Lit finally has an awards ceremony. I am glad Steve Roggenbuck hosted
the first annual Alties. Hopefully he will host next year’s and the year after
that. Glad it worked out. Also I am happy to see an award ceremony named after
myself. It makes me smile on the inside and outside. Thanks for attending. This
was the best attended ustream I have ever seen.